A Necessary Straining

Stress… Such an ugly word. My first recollections of that horrid feeling are from when I was seven years old. My family was moving from the house I had lived in since birth to a new house, less than a mile away. It was a big deal for my young, sentimental heart. At the same time I was entering the second grade and suddenly aware of social standing and grades. Pressure set in like quick-drying cement and I was a ball of nerves and tears the whole year. This emotional state of mind has returned several times throughout life. It’s a battle I am all too familiar with and all too sick of. When the stress, anxiety, and pressure returns and I become a ball of nerves and tears again, I am filled with shame. How can I, in Christ, allow myself to feel like that? How can I think I am a good Christian when I so easily become overwhelmed with this world? Thankfully, Christianity is not about me but about Christ. When this brokenness occurs it only reminds me that I need a Savior and it brings me to my knees in abandon to my Savior, Jesus Christ.

These past few months have been some of the darkest of my life. I tend to take on more than God asks of me. Not only do I think I have to accomplish a plethora of physical tasks, but I take on the emotional burdens of those tasks when He has never asked me to. He does not need me to solve the problems of the world. He has already conquered the world! And yet I take on every problem as if He depends on me. These burdens and tasks that I have taken on have seriously overwhelmed me and made a way for darkness to enter into my mind. I have asked questions like, “Does Jesus really love me?” “Am I really His? Really saved?” “Why does He love me?” “Is He mad at me? I would be…” Intellectually I know all of the answers to those questions. They are in Scripture and proclaimed in the old hymns that are forever engrained in my mind. Yes, He really DOES love me! Yes, I am really His! Yes I am really saved! He loves me because He chooses to! He is not mad at me, He has conquered my sin and it no longer rules me!

And so the back and forth inner dialogue went on for weeks and weeks. Slowly my physical health weakened as well with all of this emotional stress and spiritual battle. Through all of this, I am brought to the point of recognizing that I can do nothing apart from Him. I have tried for so long to do so much for Him, without Him. I’ve had it all wrong. Brokenness is the only cure. He must bring me to a point of brokenness to break me of self-reliance. Unfortunately, I need this lesson more than once. But I am thankful for His faithfulness in teaching me and carrying me through. The Bible may provide me with intellectual knowledge of His truth, but it is through brokenness that the Holy Spirit teaches my heart His truth.

While praying the other morning this picture appeared in my mind. I was standing in the  middle of a giant strainer. God was shaking it and as He did so all of my perfectionism, self-determination, goals, fears, ambition, dreams, and every other burden fell off of me, slowly crumpled, and finally fell through the cracks. When the shaking stopped all that was left in the middle of the strainer was Jesus Christ.

That is my sole desire and hope. That is God’s promise. To have all of Christ, I must lose everything that is not of Him. Losing self hurts but is vital. The Lord provides us strength to endure the vigorous shaking so that only Christ remains. As Paul said,

“For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” 

- Philippians 1:21

My life IS Christ. It’s not just for Him or by Him; it is Him!

It is a blessing to be put through the strainer and to have all of the old self removed so that Christ can be the only one remaining. Though it is painful, there is abundant joy and peace and hope because the Lord is purifying us through the pain.

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.”

-2 Corinthians 4:8-11

After He has removed from me all that separates me from Him I am free from worries, doubts, fears, and burdens. I am free to be like a child before Him, dancing and singing praise to my beloved King! The brokenness He brings us through is worth it. It increases our intimacy with Him if we endure and allows us to be His offering to the world that is still chained up in worries, doubts, fears, and burdens without an ounce of hope. When they see us, they see the hope and deliverance of Jesus Christ and all of the sorrow of losing our old self makes sense. Finally, we say good bye to ugly stress forever.

“Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

-Psalm 73:25-26


Sanctified and Surrendered by Caitlin Marie Stacy is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.