Anxiety. Fear. Depression. Guilt. Weariness.
These words describe what I’ve been feeling for months on end. They snuck up subtly with the changes in circumstances that I could not control. They took over my thoughts about the future. They lied; they fooled me into believing that with them I could be responsible and plan, providing myself with security. They even told me that I would be honoring God in this. After all, He “can’t drive a parked car”… Eventually they convinced me that I could not-would not ever live without them. They became a part of my routine and once a habit is formed it is hell to break.
Soon I despised them. Their deceit was obvious! They were no help at all! The more I followed their pattern the less control I had!
Through prayer and Scriptures enough light would shine on them to reveal their dark, void, evil faces. The path they were leading me down was a slowly downward slopping hill which would soon give way to a cliff and then a never ending pit.
In desperation my heart clung to the promises of my Jesus! In prayer I’d cry out for deliverance, holding back from the hill with a shaking fist dug into Christ’s cloak! My strength was futile; my grip was loosening.
His sweet voice was so faint…
“Come to me all you who are weary….” (Matthew 11:28)
“I’m trying, Lord! I’m trying!”
“Whoever wants to save [her] life will lose it…” (Matthew 16:25)
“...What haven’t I surrendered, Lord?”
“I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)
“Oh, Jesus! I want your life! I want your joy!”
But I didn’t believe. I wanted to, but I was still listening to my deceitful companions. They’d become my addiction. They wanted my life and in my selfish pursuit of security, I’d given in.
My Jesus had already died for my sins. Must He do so again? The more I tried to turn from the addicting evil voices, the less I could. I was powerless. My problem has not been mere behavioral flaws. I’ve been enslaved. I made room for selfishness and in came sinful anxiety, fear, depression, guilt, and weariness. In their darkness I felt the chilling coldness of their chains around my wrists and heard the horrifying “CLINK!” as they locked.
But in my despair His voice faintly broke through the fog again,
“I am the way, the truth, and the life; no one comes to the Father but through Me.” (John 14:6)
A tiny, star-like glimmer shed through the darkness!
“I am the Light of the world; [she] who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life.” (John 8:12)
“I’m listening and believing, Lord!”
That tiny glimmer gave way to a streaming ray of light!
“No evil will befall you, nor will any plague come near your tent… Because [she ] has loved me, therefore I will deliver [her] I will set [her] securely on high, because [she] has known My name. [She] will call upon me and I will answer [her]; and I will be with [her] in trouble; I will rescue [her] and honor [her]. With a long life I will satisfy [her] and let [her] see my salvation.” (Psalm 90: 10-11, 14-16)
The clearer His voice became, the more His light poured in until I could see that the cold chains that my sins had bound me in were not locked at all! They were just another lie that the light of Christ exposed!
Hope! Beautiful, joyous, liberating hope!
He reminded me,
“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” (John 14:27)
“Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me.” (John 15:4)
“Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.” (John 15:9)
This is where I discover true security; not in my efforts or desires but in my surrender through the grace of my Deliverer, Jesus Christ! With a renewed heart full of adoration I respond:
My Worthy King,
If all that my life is meant for is to sit at Your feet, rest in Your presence, and overflow with Your love through the freedom You purchased for me with Your blood, then I am exactly where I desire to be! I am all in! I am all Yours!
You give me Your beauty in exchange for my ashes. In Your light all of my dark sins flee. You gave Your life to save me long ago. I accept Your gift. Thank You for this exchange.
In Jesus’ almighty name I pray,
amen.
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