Six Little Words

A little more than two years ago my whole life changed suddenly with six little words. It was an experience that countless others have gone through before me. But this experience was brand new to me. It affected me individually, not as a mass number. My safe, secure, and mostly uneventful life was turned around when I heard the doctor say:

“We found something in your brain.”

After quite the orthodontics experience I found myself in need of further help from a trusted oral surgeon. For several months Dr. B had been working with me to fix a dental problem. Each month I checked in with him to monitor the progress and take more x-rays. In March 2010 he sent me up to Sacramento for some more intense x-rays of my jaw and on April 7, 2010 (my sweet mama’s birthday) I had an early morning appointment with him to review those x-rays. I had just sat down in my chair when a nurse walked in from the back. She looked at me with an empathizing smile, touched my shoulder, and asked, “How are you, sweetie? Are you okay?” I was a bit confused by her behavior but I assured her with a cheery smile that I was doing well. Then Dr. B came in. He started in with the normal doctor talk about the progress of my dental issue; then he switched gears.

“There’s something more important we need to deal with now, though.” His tone was serious. It told me so much more than the words spoken.

My head began to pound. “Oh no! “ I thought, “What now? Do I have to have another tooth pulled?"

Dr. B continued, “The x-rays you took last month were very thorough. They show more than normal x-rays.” He continued on, explaining the technology to me when out came those six words that changed my life.

“We found something in your brain.”

It’s still difficult for me to explain the flood of thoughts and emotions that followed. Immediately the tears began to flow. My first thought was of cancer. Dr. B continued to explain the discovery, a “brain mass.” He told me not to jump to the conclusion of cancer but he assured me that this was a serious issue which needed testing as soon as possible. I struggled to maintain my composure and hear all that he was explaining. What I felt was intensely overwhelming. Yes, I sobbed. But my tears were not from fear. They came from a courage that was not my own. In that moment, the Holy Spirit filled me with an indescribable peace. I became suddenly aware of my own vulnerability and the temporary state of my life. In that quick instant I was fully aware that this was a part of God’s plan, that He was in control, that I was not afraid to die, and that He was my life.

Dr. B comforted me so kindly and told me he was already praying for me. Soon I climbed into the truck to leave, sat there and sobbed some more. The Lord was so undeniably near that I could not contain my emotions. He gently spoke to my heart through His spirit, informing me that I had a choice to make right then and there. Either I was going to choose an attitude of thankfulness or an attitude of fear. The Bible says to rejoice always, never be anxious, and give thanks in all things. With that knowledge, I smiled through my soaking wet face and said,

 “Thank you, Lord! Thank you for this brain mass! Whatever happens, use this brain mass for your glory!”

 I worshipped Him the rest of the way to my dad’s office where I informed him and my brother of the news. Dad was on it! Within a couple of hours he had me scheduled for a doctor’s appointment the next day. From that point on my parents were my physical rocks. My dad went with me to every MRI and doctor’s appointment and my mom was at almost every one. It was my brain mass but they took it on as their own. Several months went by with a few MRIs and one cat scan before we knew for sure that it was not cancer or anything seriously threatening.

Those months of not knowing were some of the most trying and growing of my life. I fully accepted death. Not to sound morbid, but the reality of death thrilled me to life! If I only have a little while left to live then why not give every detail of my life fully to Christ? If I’m going to spend an eternity worshipping Him, then why not start now by serving Him with every breath? On my drive to dad's office from Dr. B’s it crossed my mind that I may never finish my education, get married, and have children. But that didn’t make me feel like I was being jipped. It felt like a weight was lifted off; the weight of my own goals and expectations. I was free to serve the Lord however He leads me to and I was free from the pressures I’d put on myself over the years.

Through this experience I learned that I really am not in control. More importantly, I learned that I really do not want or need to be in control. This experience taught me that I am loved by an almighty God who is my source of life and knowing Him more each day is my purpose. It is my delight to surrender all to Him. Obeying Him and trusting Him is not a burden but true liberation.

That brain mass is still sitting there in my left frontal lobe. Every time I think about it I smile from the inside out. My brain mass (diagnosed as a ‘cavernous malformation’) reminds me of my Savior’s presence and power in my life, of my parent’s committed and sacrificial love for me, and of my freedom in Christ. My brain mass reminds me of the incredible time in my life when my faith in Christ increased and He became the Lord of my every moment. To this day I thank God for the mass in my brain and for those six little words that changed my life.

Sanctified and Surrendered by Caitlin Marie Stacy is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.